Illustrating my pain.
I have always used my art as a form of communication when my heart is wary and in pain.
Driven by the drive to both heal and scream at the world when things are not quite right with me and I am hurting. When my spoken words start to run dry or no such words exist, I find I can at least draw all my feelings.
I will be honest and say I’ve always been a bit of a drama queen, maybe giving attention to the things that didn’t matter, so I could better mask the things that truly hurt, don’t worry about me when I am being loud and dramatic, watch for my silence.
Illustrations of my feelings which appear in my artwork are spoken in codes and riddles which mainly only I can understand.
Yes, some moments I feel are a little cliché. But, with even more layers of meaning within the way I used colour, mediums and strokes. I look at these illustrations and I am back in that moment, the pain is back, and my past self is screaming at my present self.
Illustrating these moments have changed in the recent years, I use them more and couple with words. The codes are being broken down; I am letting the world get a better insight into my mind. For a while I thought by using these moments in my illustrations, I was losing the drive to just create in the moment of pain.
Over the last few weeks, I have been writing poems, songs and drawing.
The last few weeks I’ve been in pain from many directions all at once.
I took a small break from university, AOI mentorship and spent time with the family.
I can’t however seem to stop drawing, sketching and writing.
Made me realise art as an expression is my therapy in my hour of need. I do have a healthier balance and started to talk as well, but the moments that heal me the most is when I draw.
What is affecting me now?
My illustrations may give you hints. Right now, it is a couple of things which are not my place to say. Not my stories alone to tell and share.
and… Not everyone likes things on social media.
I am a very private person, not very often I have shared true thoughts beyond the drawings within an illustration. I have had my ted talk moments and weakness rants on social media (Facebook), these moments driven out of me in moments of anger at social injustice or feel I need to set the record straight. Reality will always be, no one really cares about what I write, least not as much as myself… But I felt a little better just having some form of temporary release of the emotion of anger. I did, however, learn the hard way that sadness couldn’t be expressed as a moment of weakness on social media the same way as anger. It is a dangerous tool to use social media when low and depressed. It may work for some; however, the risk the true concept or desperation could be overlooked when in the most vulnerable state.
So, this is another reason which I illustrate emotions that cause me distress.
I have always illustrated grief, maybe it is a way of finding something to keep alive, least for myself. In fact, one of my very first “characters” I drew was based around a school friend that passed away far too young, whist I wasn’t very original in the idea of making her an Angel character, it was quite possibly the start of being more character driven in terms of illustrating.
I personally recommend art as therapy, you can express this in many ways;
If your mood was a colour what would it be and why?
How would you create your mood right now what would it be?
There is no limit on how to express this, who says you must express pain with a paint brush. You could use your whole body.
There is a practical worry of this form of expression, while I am tempted to say just make a mess. Reality mess in a home at times can be a privilege. So, if have a fence or wall that is long overdue a lick of paint… Go wild (we can always cover it up and no one will ever have to know) – you will always remember that feeling of being free and expressing. Flick the paint at the walls in anger, sadness or happiness.
The same way we like to scream into a pillow, let all the tension out. I truly recommend keeping a sketchbook. My greatest "break through" moments have been within the pages of my own sketchbooks. I learnt to forgive myself in my sketchbook and to start a healing process.
I have included this "first" page, the work wasn't brilliant nor was this moment intended. This is raw and unedited moment I made a connection with myself. I cry looking at this page, not for any reason bad... For the good that came from this moment and the time I was honest with myself that started a journey that led me to here. I illustrate my pain.