Trigger warnings - Discussion of mental health, low moods and triggers.
A few days after my birthday was the 10th of October, also known as World Mental Health Day; statistically, this post would have done better to be posted then. For me, mental health isn't just one day… Plus, it tends to be a happy social period around my birthday, and I do not want to think about it. I think about it enough for the rest of the year for others and myself.
Mental health underlies every part of my life; it is raw and honest. In many ways, mental health has touched my life through the people I love and myself. So, for this reason, I am going to talk about some core experiences that have led to a much better relationship between my mindfulness and mental health.
The black dog is a powerful metaphor I can relate to visually in my struggles. I accept that the black dog may always be there, so I do not put as much pressure on myself and can enjoy the times. Behind the screen right now, I am weirdly smiling because, over time, it has become an acceptance of all sides of me.
The black dog can be a companion as much as an enemy. After all, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. It is not an easy relationship to have, but it is a way to find a sense of peace with yourself.
I am the type of person who used to smile when they were not okay. I was not good at saying I needed help. Inside my head, I would scream; weirdly, this became my daily routine. I never knew any other way to exist or remember a time when this was not part of me.
My art told that story. My art did my screaming and my cries for help. It was for years before I started on my illustrator's journey the way I healed and coped. This often meant I was burying a lot of my pain.
It was the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, and I was trying to finish my first level (year) of a long-distance BA (Hons) Illustration degree. Unable to go outside during lockdown, I started to look internally and closer to home. I remember when the walls I had built to contain all the darkness inside started to crack; I was curled up on the settee, doodling away in my sketchbook. When I found myself drawing something I could never take back, it opened the floodgates.
I do not remember drawing the illustration so much; I just looked at it and wrote the words, "I am sorry." It seems I needed to say sorry to myself and forgive myself before any healing could take place. I did this because I blamed myself for everything.
Being deaf, not signing BSL, not getting the GCSEs I wanted, being lazy, failing college, not fitting in, saying stupid things, being bullied, not being strong enough, being weird, daydreaming all the time, being ill a lot and you name it, it would be my fault!
I blamed myself; no one else did that. Despite not being my fault (Internal ablism), I did this and needed to apologise and forgive before any steps were required. This was for nobody else but myself.
All this led to me creating my book "Voice" for an assignment. Again, it was something entirely unintentional. What you have to remember about voice is the module it was created for was called "Creative Book Design", and the purpose was to design a book; at the time, I was exploring zine-like elements and did a very loose cut and copy-paste of illustrations. So, as an illustrator, it is not my proudest work, and the limited time frame means it is a little rushed; nevertheless, the book is very raw regarding who I am.
I wrote the book for myself, and while exploring the elements of creating books, I poured my soul into it. I self-published in limited numbers, and the goal of this was to explore publishing a book. I sold the books intending to sell around 20 copies, but I sold more. People got a look into the real me, and it changed my life.
One of the moments that made me clear that I wanted to do something about this was getting a direct message from someone who said, "The girl is also me."
I wasn't alone in my bubble anymore, and it became easier to open up, allowing me to ask for help.
Due to the success of my first mini-publication, I applied for the Association of Illustrators (AOI) mentorship in 2022. Meeting my mentor, Caroline Thompson, gave me support that I had been denied in a way. It was a point in my journey that put me professionally on the right path and gave me a clear idea of how to make the abstract vision of what I want to be as an illustrator a reality. For the first time, I had goals and the start of a support network I needed. What was a dream started to feel very possible, and I began to believe in myself again.
Tourettes Heroes was another part of my healing experience. It helped me connect with myself as a deaf/disabled person and learn about access needs. Understanding the core parts of yourself and what is not acceptable means that you can be kind to yourself and know your limits. Since this experience, I have controlled my own access needs. Being back in control is another healing experience and has improved my mental health in the long run.
It is not all to say it has been a perfect healing experience; my life is affected by my loved ones also going through mental health (which includes one of my children), and that has been a rocky road. It is not the place here to start another journey, but as a result of everything, I found myself in 2023 asking for help at first signs that were too much for myself, and this led to counselling at the very end of 2023/2024. I cannot recommend counselling enough, especially if you are the person everyone leans on and takes on the world's problems.
Back in May (2024), I had another fantastic experience; I went to the Rock Retreat in Gibraltar as part of a Writers & Illustrators residency. I intend to challenge myself; I have never done anything like this for myself, and I want to improve myself as an illustrator. This did happen; I have a diary-like blog in the works for the whole week, so I will not get into too much detail, meet the most amazing creative people, and fine-tune some ideas for my own books/stories. Before I went, my mood was low. Unknown to myself at the time, I was suffering repeat ear infections that were causing complications, which meant low energy and mood, and I was bloated and out of shape. (and was feeling it)
This week took me away from family life, which meant I could focus on myself. We had a lot of good food and creative chats. I got to be myself and put myself first for the first time in a long time. I had been doing it for myself during this journey into illustration, yet I still was not looking after myself; I had forgotten how. It gave me a creative network and support. I met a group of amazing, kind people who changed my life positively daily. After all, the world of freelance illustration can be lonely and isolating. There is something inspiring and wonderful about being a small part of others on the same path towards their dreams and seeing the same peers publish books or get opportunities.
For me, true mindfulness comes from
* Forgiveness. (to yourself)
* Communication (asking for help / talking to others)
* Understanding yourself (your limits and needs)
* Doing things for yourself (your goals and passions)
* Looking after yourself.
* Saying no or enough.
Ways I found as a deaf illustrator to be able to do this is: Apply for mentorships Apply for residencies/traineeships Build a supportive network - Socially, I have found LinkedIn excellent for these connections. Join local groups Reach out for additional support as early as you recognise you need it. Be honest with yourself and others. It is okay to say you are not OK. Learn your access needs and limitations. Firstly, none of this is easy. Putting yourself out there never is. If something scares me, I force myself to do it or apply for it. If it is too hard to do it for myself, I treat it from a third-person perspective, such as acting as my own PA or smoothing the path for the next person.
I will always have blips in the road ahead; I had one or two just the other day.
It was a hard week being a parent, and I felt excluded from something because I could not sign BSL fluidly. (It is hard at times being deaf and not having access to BSL) the difference now is I knew what I needed; something I have learnt from all this could be reaching out for support, getting some downtime or picking up a pencil. Being kind to myself, I know when I have too many plates spinning or forgiving myself when I am not a nice person to myself and others.
If you have been affected by any of the issues discussed today, I recommend the following website for support and further mental health awareness UK https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/ USA https://mhanational.org/get-involved/contact-us Canada https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html New Zealand https://mentalhealth.org.nz/helplines Australia https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplineshttps://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplines Or reach out to your local support network.
I'm so happy that you have found your voice Emma, and happy to see you're continuing to grow. You touched on some very significant issues that need consistent global attention.